A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, “I can’t come in today, I’m sick.” He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, “I can’t come in today, I’m sick.”
The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, “He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.”
So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, “You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?”
The guy replies, “No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.”
The boss says, “You fuck your sister?”
The guy replies, “Hey, I told you I was sick.”
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Ultimate sick excuse
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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au
Bad news from a doctor
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"Ten," says the doctor.
"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"Nine. . ."
"I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"Ten," says the doctor.
"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"Nine. . ."
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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au
Now thats a party!
Sick of the city, Sam quits his job and moves to Minnesota, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. After six months of isolation, someone knocks on his door. A huge bearded man is standing on his porch.
"Name’s Lars," the man says, "from down the road. Having a party Saturday. Wanna come?"
"Definitely," says Sam. "After six months out here, I’m ready to meet some people."
"Gotta warn you," says Lars, "there’s gonna be some drinkin.’"
"No problem: I can drink with the best of them," says Sam.
"More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too."
"Well, I like people," Sam says. "I’ll be there."
Lars starts to walk away, then turns back. "I seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Not a problem," says Sam. "I’ve been alone for six months! Just one question, though: What should I wear?"
Lars shrugs. "Whatever you want–just gonna be the two of us."
"Name’s Lars," the man says, "from down the road. Having a party Saturday. Wanna come?"
"Definitely," says Sam. "After six months out here, I’m ready to meet some people."
"Gotta warn you," says Lars, "there’s gonna be some drinkin.’"
"No problem: I can drink with the best of them," says Sam.
"More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too."
"Well, I like people," Sam says. "I’ll be there."
Lars starts to walk away, then turns back. "I seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Not a problem," says Sam. "I’ve been alone for six months! Just one question, though: What should I wear?"
Lars shrugs. "Whatever you want–just gonna be the two of us."
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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au
Dont touch
Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?"
Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.
Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up.
The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?"
The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."
Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.
Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up.
The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?"
The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."
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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au
The pickle slicer
One day, Bill comes home from the pickle factory where he works and confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill says he’d be too embarrassed, and he vows to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill comes home absolutely ashen.
"What’s wrong, Bill?" his wife asks.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn’t."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"She and I both got fired."
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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au
She's smarter then she looks
A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."
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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au
May we hunt here
Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!
Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!"
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!
Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!"
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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au
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