Ouch goes the monkey

This guy walks into a bar with a monkey.

He sits at the bar and orders a drink, while the monkey jumps around. The monkey spies the peanuts on the bar, runs up and scoffs the lot, then jumps to the billiard table.

He spots the balls on the table and promptly picks up the white ball and swallows it.

This outrages the bar tender and the players so the guy offers to pay for a new set of balls, After he settles up he leaves.

Next week he’s back with the monkey,

When he orders a drink at the bar there is a scuffle in the corner and some yelling, so he and the bartender go over, They ask what’s going on.

“The monkey just picked up a cherry from our drink, shoved it up his backside, pulled it out and ate it.”

The Bartender looks at the guy.

“Well, after the billiard ball, he checks everything for size first….

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Sneaking about

One day a manager noticed his most loyal employee was not in at work. This guy was never late so he called him at home. And a young voice answered. Knowing this was the daughter he asked if he could speak with Dad.

‘No’

‘Why not?’

“He’s talking with the Police man.”

This startled him a bit so he asked, “Can I talk to Mum?”

‘No”

‘Why not?’

“She’s talking to the Fireman.”

Suddenly he could hear helicopters over the phone and people yelling over megaphones. “Oh my god, what’s happening there?

“He, He, he, they’re looking for me….

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Sneaking into a bar

Two pieces of string walk into a bar.

The bar tender tells them he does not serve string in his bar. So they walk out.

One of the bits of sting has an idea.

So he ties himself up and frazzles his ends and returns to the bar.

The bar tender looks at him and asks “Aren’t you a piece of string?”

‘Sorry, I’m a frayed knot….”

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Sponsored comdoms

What if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling!

Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

Optus Condoms: Yes!

KFC Condoms: Finger Lickin' Good

M&M's Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the Spirit

Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day

Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in (Tasmania only)

Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....

Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek

Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.

Quicken Condoms: Quicken.Easy

The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider

AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That

Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....

Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you

RTA Condoms: Speed kills

Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face

Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm

Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Trip to the zoo

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased,he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lion says "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

A good cure for the squirts

A pharmacist walks into a drugstore to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the clerk, "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds, "He came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The wide-eyed pharmacist shouts, "You Moron! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly responds, "Of course you can. Look at him - he's afraid to cough!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Blonde builders

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Blonde shopping

A blonde was shopping at Walmart, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that? " he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied..... ..."Two popsicles and some coffee."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au