Chicken farmers

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.

A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.

"But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

How to be a lion tamer

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Viagra and the nursing home.

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”

The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.”

The man says, “And the Viagra?”

“Keeps him from falling out of bed.”

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Sweeet and caring hubby...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

How to get things in life

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared.

He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning, "I want a man, I want a man."

Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom.

Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Mircale growth

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Who to choose, who to choose...

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be.

The man wanted to know what was available. Madam

"On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."

"Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."

"Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

"It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Never lose your temper

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school.

The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow.

Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."

Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.

The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I ?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Losing your v-plates

The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Birds and the bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Kindy time

A group of kids new to kindergarten were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk.

"You must use "Big People" words" she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana" he replied.

"No, Chris, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use "Big People" words", she said.

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo" he told her.

"No, you took a ride on a train" she corrected him. "You must remember to use "Big People" words.

Then she asked Alex what he had done. "I read a book" he replied.

"That's wonderful" said the teacher. "What book did you read"?

Alex thought hard about it, then puffed out his chest, and with great pride he said ...

"Winnie the SHIT!!!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au