A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Facial reconstruction
The good old days of primary school
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was "It's a period," he replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting' about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing' one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.
Sunday school
One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was paying attention in class. She called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April,
"Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," And April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT F###ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A*#SE!"
The Teacher fainted.
A visit by the ATO
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send then back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the left over foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick".
Trip to the jewellers
A tramp walks into H Samuels Jewellers in Brisbaine one Tuesday afternoon.
He walks around for a while and then sits down on a courtesy couch provided for people choosing their jewellery. The dirty bugger then starts scratching and picking at his bum, joined by satisfing groaning sounds.
People walking in and out are understandably disgusted and notify the staff about the tramp's disgusting behaviour.
The manager goes over to him and says "What the hell do you think you are doing, you dirty bugger?"
The tramp replies - ' The sign in the window says "Pick your ring in comfort"'.
$50 is $50!
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,"Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said "Esther I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied "Morris that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot over heard the couple and said,"Folks I'll make you a deal I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvre, but not a word was heard. He did his dare daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but "50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Male blonde joke!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding, up on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage just one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican, opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."
The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, " Ham again!, If I get a Ham sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the Ham and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!, I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife.
She said, "Don't look at me". "The idiot makes his own lunch."
Grandpa nookie
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what on earth are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck! This is your grandma's idea"
Losing your V-Plates
A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.
"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him".
Then she left the room.
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".
"That's OK, Dad", said the boy.
"I couldn't ride it right now anyway dad, my ass is too sore".
Dynamite baby!
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
Blonde bus trip
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Little Old Lady
A good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.
Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes, Lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
