Damn Nazi's!

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favours."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Making it last an hour...

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

The Morale of the story...

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Ooops it broke!

A guy who went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms.

The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?"

The guy said, "Good, I'll take a box."

A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that this same female clerk was transferred into the maternity section.

The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."

The clerk asked, "What bust?"

To which he replied, "One of the goddamm blue ones!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Blonde revenge

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Cowboys!

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner."

"Oh yeah, what happened?"

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"

"So, how'd you get away?"

"Well the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."

"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit all over the place."

"What do you think the bull was slipping on?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

5 Rules to life

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Sleeping pills

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life.

He finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep."

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

All praise the Irish!

O'Brien and Nealy were getting well on in years, and O'Brien was in the hospital in his last days.

O'Brien reached out his hand to his friend and said, "Me friend, we've been pals since we were wee lads, and I haven't got much more time left of this earth. When I'm gone, would you do me the biggest of favors?"

To which Nealy replied, "Why of course my good friend ... anything you'd ask of me."

Obrien asked, "When I'm well planted, please pour a bottle of the very best Irish whiskey on my grave."

Nealy's response ... "Of course my good friend but ... would you be offended if I was to strain it through me kidneys first?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au