How to avoid iraq

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq".

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."

The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Child swallowing a coin

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a 50cent piece.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the 50cent piece and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 50cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer".

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Going to have a baby

Bambi, a buxom blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

When Bambi said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to pharmacy and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

One step too far

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Oh thats just wrong

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Another old lady

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

When to know to head home

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer.

The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him.

He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I'm heading home!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Love is beautiful

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

How not to end it all

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Sheep-wrecked

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog. Life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island.

Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was about to mount it when suddenly his dog gave out a frantic bark and he had to give up the idea.

A second and subsequent attempts by the man to approach the sheep from the rear met with similar frustrations.

Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl.

The girl thanked the man profusely. "I'm so grateful I'd do anything for you. Anything." she said.

"Good!" said the love-struck man happily, "Can you watch my dog for fifteen minutes?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Old ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first old lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

The burglar

A burglar had broken into a house, and as he was feeling his way through the darkened room, he heard a voice.

"Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables.

Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching you!"

"What's going on?", he thought. He waited a little longer before continuing his search.

Again, he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar couldn't stand it any longer. He switched on his flashlight, and there, sitting on the perch, was a parrot.

"Was that you talking?", asked the burglar.

"Yes", said the parrot.

"Well, you talk pretty well", said the burglar.

"I've been talking for fifty years", said the parrot.

"You gave me a fright when I came in", said the burglar. "What's your name?'

"Alfred", replied the parrot.

"That's a pretty weird name for a parrot", said the burglar.

"Yeh, but not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweller."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

A talented duck

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck "

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" replies the landlord.

"I see your ears are working too," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and sandwich please?"

The duck explains that he has been working on a building site across the road, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringleader of the circus comes to the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus; he talks, drinks beer and everything".

"Sounds brilliant," says the ringleader "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money".

"Yeah? Says the duck. "Sounds great, where is it? "

"At the circus," says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right, the circus," says the landlord.

"That place with the big tent, with all the animals, with the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" says the duck.

"That's right" says the landlord.

The duck looked confused, "What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Midget sex!

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did It go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

2 strangers meet...

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Not another kiwi joke

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: "The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek."

The Kiwi thinks: "The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: "That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek."

The Australian thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that Kiwi again!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Brings a tear to the eye

A man went to an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his dick.. The man thought about it for a while.

The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do that again"

With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my ass"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Kiwi's dont read this joke

Are there any Kiwis out there?

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Mal , a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Mal , like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution . Mal was approached with a proposition . Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Mal showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mal announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

Fust," he said, "I don"t want to have to kuss er ."

"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Wull," said Mal , "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the $500.

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Tis a sad sad day for this laddie

Soon after Paddy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When Paddy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low.

His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.

"To be shure it was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.

"Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?"

"No," replied Paddy. "I'll finish the day out."

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office.

This time when Paddy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

"Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news," "That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Heart breaker

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

he said! I'm a divorce Lawyer

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

How to save a life

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Anniversary nookie

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

What a way to go

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Magic Wish

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.

"Sorry," says the taller man. "I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!"

"Well," says the Leprechan, "That's because I'm a Leprechan! ALL Leprechans have penises this size!"

The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long."

"Well, what with me being a Leprechan and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!"

"Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!"

Soon, the Leprechan is behind the taller man, just humping away. "Say," says the Leprechan, "How old are you, son?"

Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechan humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."

"Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechans!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Another smart parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Take the good with the bad

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?".

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm screwing her."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Smart parrot

A woman walks by a petshop. A parrot in a cage in front of the store says "Hey lady, you are so ugly. You are the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman doesn't respond and goes on to work.

On her way home, she walks past the parrot, and the parrot says "Hey Lady, Oh my god, are you ugly. I've never SEEN an uglier woman."

Well, now the woman is pissed, she goes into the store and complains to the manager. The manager apologizes profusely and promises that it will never happen again.

The next morning, the woman walks past the parrot and the parrot says "Hey, Lady."

The woman stops and says "Yes?"

The parrot says "You know."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Party girl!

A little old lady who had always wanted to join the local biker club walked up to their clubhouse and knocked on the door. A big hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms and chest opened the door and looked at her.

"I want to join your club," she said.

The biker was amused and decided to play along. "Before you can join you'll have to meet certain requirements. First of all, do you own a motorcycle?"

"Sure do," said the little old lady. "It's parked right over there," and pointed at a big Harley in the driveway.

"Do you drink?" asked the biker.

"Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

Now curious, the biker looked her over closely and asked, "Do you smoke?"

"Like a chimney," she said. "About four packs of Camels a day and a couple of cigars in the evening while I'm shooting pool."

Impressed by her answers, the biker said, "One last question: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thought for a moment, then said: "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

For those who died

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

DIY Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au