2 jokes for the price of 1

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

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A drunk sidles up to a man who is looking under the bonnet of his car in the street outside a bar.

“Whash the matter, mate?” he asks.

“Its piston broke,” says the driver.

“Yeah?” replies the drunk. “Me too.”

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

The truth will set you free!

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the postman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The postie drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your old man a big hug."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

A dads concern for his daughter

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Oldage marriages

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?'

The pharmacist answers 'Yes'.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?'

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

One goes to heaven, the other goes to...

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a fe w years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

I m sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.

Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Senior moments

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist’s incredible performance. As Claude went to the front of the hall, he announced:

“Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people to the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It is a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . . . . . “

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, the light reflecting off its gleaming, polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Amazing Claude’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

”Shit!” exclaimed the Amazing Claude loudly, with real feeling.. It took three days to clean up the senior citizens centre.

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Popular survey

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their Asses. The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their Ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their Ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Uni teachers are tough...

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au