Cant get no respect

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss".

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

How to sneak a quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed .. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments later,"Looks like the

Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving."

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Flight attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Golfing Nun

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"


"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"


"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother: 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, t hat wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the frigging putt, didn't you?"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Confession

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest smiles and says warmly, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

The Sex Therapist

An elderly couple in their late 70's go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Checking in on mum

A couple is going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi. Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye to my mother".

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!".

The silence in the cab was deafening.

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Do you want to know when you are going to die?

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you!!!!!!!!!!"

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au

Why horse riding is dangerous

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks. The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse

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Email Karina and Maz, THE ZOO! zoo@sea1007.com.au